Beloved

“Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” - James Arthur Baldwin

Not too long ago I went through a painful and eye-opening study by Pastor Mike Perkinson called “Why Do I Do the Things I Do?”  This is a overview of his ideas and my personal reflections.

We live in continual fear.  Fear of abandonment, fear of failure, fear of rejection.  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t.  How we behave and interact with others stems from this subconscious fear.

One of the ways we “overcome” this fear is we hide.  I push people away from what I don’t want them to see because of the shame and fear within me, and I pull them towards aspects of my personality which I want them to “ooh” and “ahh” over.

This isn’t a new phenomenon.  Right after Adam and Eve sinned God asked them, “Where are you?” and Adams replied, “I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid” (Gen 3:10).

“We are fear based— I was afraid: This was Adam’s and now our core emotion.  As a result, we fear exposure.

We are shame based— Because I was naked: This was his and now our core motivation for hiding.  He knew that something was now wrong and God would not be pleased.

We live a life of hiding— So I hid myself: His and now our core strategy for keeping the self from being exposed.” –Adopted from “Why Do I Do the Things I Do?”

We create fig leaves to cover our shame and we hide behind them.  When we interact with people and with God, we do so from behind these bushes because we fear exposure for who we really are.

My fig leaves, or masks, protect me.  I wear them because I believe that if people saw the real me, the honest-to-goodness sinful person that I am, they would reject what they would see.  It is easier for someone to reject my mask, a creation of myself, than for someone to look at my heart and run for the hills.  And to be truthful, most people prefer my mask over my true self because it is more comfortable.

When someone asks you how your day is going they expect a certain answer from you.  If someone asked me, “Hey, how are you?” and I replied, “Well, my computer crashed, I’m having trouble trusting in God, homework is piling up, and I’m about to have a mental breakdown” they would probably think I’m crazy.  Saying I’m “okay” when I’m not is more preferred than getting to the deep pain within us all.

I have several masks and I am beginning to identify and kill them, but I still find myself using them at times.

One of them is the Princess Fiona Mask.  I hide behind my appearance to keep people at an arms length because I fear if people get too close they’ll discover that I am really an ogre.  I have a ton of self-contempt in anticipation of rejection.  Basically I reject myself before others can reject it.  I use make-up as a tool to achieve this mask.

I think this mask began to develop during middle school.  I was that girl who would wear the tight-fitting clothing with gobs of make-up on in hopes of catching a boy’s eye.  I believed my worth came from how much attention I was getting from guys.  After a few rejections, I slowly started creating a marble exterior of hardness.

My mom saw this mask quite often.  For whatever reason, it was and still is hard to be vulnerable in front of my mother.  During high school she would comment on how I never showed my feelings and did I even have any?  I did have emotions but I was scared to show her because I knew she’d want to be a part of them.  I could barely admit them to myself much less share them with someone.  It was less painful to pretend they weren’t there than to have someone ask me and remind me about them…however good their intentions were.

I clung to this mask when I was going through rough times with Steven (the ex) and the aftermath of our toxic relationship.  I gave him so much of my true self.  I was maskless.  When he cheated on me, it was one of the most painful experiences because he rejected me.  I felt like I wasn’t good enough.  I wasn’t pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, fun enough, interesting enough.  Maybe I wasn’t loving him enough.  If I had been, he wouldn’t have sought out the attention of other women.  These are the lies I told myself.

And so, to never feel that hurt again, I vowed never to expose my heart like that to a man.  In doing so, I became manipulative and cynical.  I began to use men as objects without feelings for my own satisfaction.  I wouldn’t let them get close.  But the “satisfaction” was hollow and left me with a deeper hole.

Luckily God got my attention and I don’t do that anymore…but I still struggle with trusting my heart over to men.

Another mask I wear, mostly around church friends, is what my friend Stephanie calls my “Mandy Moore Perfect Christian Mask.”  For such a long time, I never wanted to show my Christian friends that I didn’t have it all put together.  I thought that if I showed them my sins and weaknesses, then I wasn’t being a good role model or leader.  I gained respect and admiration for my “happy-go-lucky” personality and my knowledge of the Bible. How could I let them down by telling them I wasn’t perfect?

I’m now learning that I can’t be a good leader until I’m vulnerable and human.

I have other masks (I hide behind intelligence, and busyness, and most likely other things) but for the sake of Americans’ short attention spans I won’t go into detail.

Recognizing and killing masks is difficult.  John Eldredge wrote in The Sacred Romace, “Our [masks] have so intertwined themselves with our identity that to give them up feels like a personal death…We wonder if it is possible to live without them.”  I believe Pastor Mike was right when he said there are no “steps” to getting rid of masks, but it is a process.  He told me this is how we find freedom:

Repent- Without repentance you cannot change

Renounce- Let God forgive you and forgive yourself and move away from it.  Believe there is no condemnation and trust God to meet your needs.

Release- Let it go.  It is not a part of you anymore

Reclaim- Reclaim your identity in Christ.

For me, I could only begin to let go of my masks when I could be vulnerable with God and trust Him to have a better, more fulfilling plan for me.  Only when I felt safe and loved enough to be myself could I begin to release it.  I think that feeling of safety and love can only come about through an intimate relationship with God.

Like I said, it’s a difficult process and I still wear my masks.  But as I’ve begun to integrate my life instead of compartmentalize it, I’ve been filled with so much more joy.  Because if you aren’t being vulnerable and being loved for who you really are, then it isn’t really love after all, now is it?