Beloved

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” -Phil 4:6, 7

Today was one of the hardest days I’ve gone through in a while.  Let me set the scene for you.

I’ve been preparing since January to go with Young Life and Amor Ministries to Mexico to build two houses for families in need.  We leave this Friday around 3 am to go on the trip.  As soon as I received the syllabuses for my classes this semester I checked to see if there would be any scheduling conflicts since I would not be in class on Friday.

It figured that I had a Developmental Psychology test on the Friday we would be gone and I resigned myself to the fact that I could not go to Mexico.  Plus the trip cost $200 and I’m a broke college student.

But I felt like God kept quietly asking me to trust Him.  It was like a fly buzzing in my ear that would not go away and leave me in peace.  A fly that kept saying, “Just ask your Prof if you can take the test another day. Trust in me.”  So I asked my teacher and he thought it was so cool and that sure I could take my exam during his office hours the Wednesday before the test.  I was like, “God, you sly devil you, you knew this was going to happen.” Excitement ensued.

The same day various people in my hall donated $35 which brought me to $105.  It was really happening! God can be such a show-off sometimes.

Last week I found out that the price had been dropped from $200 to $150 for me since I’m in leader training. Which meant I was only a doable $50 away.

My heart last week was just so overwhelmed and overflowing with love because of the wonderful ways God was providing for me.  I have never been in such a place of contentment and joy.  At one point during the week I just sat still for an hour simply drinking in the presence of God and delighting in Him.

Then this week happened.  And I started to worry about the assignments and tests which began to pile up. Plus I was sick. Yesterday I found out that my English class is having a quiz on Friday online and I won’t be here to take it.  I e-mailed my Prof and he said he could make it available to me on Thursday so I could take it then.  While I was on the computer, I found out that there would be a test on Thursday in my Geological Disasters class on three chapters I hadn’t even read yet.  Oh, and I have my psych test scheduled for Wednesday.  I have a World Religions paper due on Thursday and an exam the Monday I return from the trip. All of this work is on top of other commitments I have. You can see where I would be stressing out.

Today, oh goodness, was the worst (and I suppose the best) of it.  I sold my old psych textbook and made $20 towards my trip.  I wasn’t planning on eating lunch because I had a large break between classes in which I could get some work done.  On Tuesdays is when I have a lunch date with this beautiful woman, Kailey, and I was going to cancel but that quiet feeling came back again. It told me I could go study with her during lunch but that I needed to be with her.

Kailey is super sick, which is just awful because she is helping to organize the trip to Mexico this weekend and I can only imagine how much more stuff she has on her plate than I do on mine.  I sat down with her and tried to do my work and study but the voice was then telling me that until I prayed with her that I would get no peace, nor any work done.  So we prayed together and it was beautiful and I felt God’s pleasure with us.  As we came back to our table, I discovered that while we had been praying my computer had crashed and was unfixable.

I’m not going to lie; I was like, “Really, God?  You ask me to pray with this girl and I obey and when we come back my computer, my life, is not functioning? Really?”  But I sucked it up, went to the computer lab and typed up the page I had lost when it died, and went to YL leader training.

After training I went to the library to get some work done.  As soon as I plopped myself in a chair I could just feel the emotions of the day welling up in me and a few warning tears of a larger storm approaching dripped down my cheeks.

I was in the process of texting my dad when all this was going on and he was sending me these cryptic texts about “Just wait till Friday” which was confusing and annoying me since I had know clue what he was talking about.  So I snapped at him and said “Don’t talk to me if you’re going to talk to me in riddles because I am in a bad mood and overwhelmed with stress and these messages are just annoying me right now.”  To which he replied, “I sent you a Valentine’s card with some money in it and it should get there on Friday. So there. Happy Valentine’s Day.”

And I just burst into tears.  Right there in the library.  Using loose-leaf paper as Kleenex.  How could I be such a jerk?  My dad had planned this sweet, surprise gesture of love for me and I had to ruin it because I got fed up with his texts that hinted at a surprise-to-be.

I ran from the library needing to be someplace private where I could just let it all out.  So I climbed onto the roof of a building, sat there looking at the stars, and cried out to God.  I’ve never cried like that before.  I felt like David, just letting God know honestly of all my feelings, ugly and beautiful feelings.

I told Him how I was hurt that He had asked me to pray with Kailey for healing and then nothing happened.  I talked about if I was even supposed to go on the Mexico trip.  I mean, He provided me with the money to go and my teacher was letting me take my test early, but yet all this “stuff” kept popping up.  I cried about how I was a jerk to my dad and how I was so thankful of their monetary and emotional support for me and this trip.  The list goes on.  And when I had exhausted myself, I just felt a comfort and a peace.  Perhaps not clarity, but definitely an assurance of “I am here, I have heard you, and I love you.  Let me wrap my arms around you.”

I consider this to be my best worst day because God really demonstrated His loving faithfulness to me.  I shared a beautiful intimacy with Him up there on that roof as I cried and groaned and trusted that He was listening, that He cared.  I think that’s all He really wants and expects us to do in those moments of complete brokenness.  I still have a ton of stuff to do, but I feel like the heavy burden of stress and worry has been taken off my shoulders.  I feel like because of God’s strength and comfort, I will survive this week.

The funny thing is I am thankful for that moment of brokenness.  It has shown me that I can fully rely on Him because He won’t fail me.