Beloved

I think in America there is an archetype of what a woman should be.  We are supposed to adhere to certain gender roles otherwise we risk the one thing all women fear: ending up alone.  Pop culture tells us that it is very undesirable for someone over a certain age to be alone.

Therein lies a conflict. I am ashamed or afraid to do what I desire (like working in a foreign country or getting my M.A.) because all my life I’ve been told, “You basic function as a single woman is not to chase after your desires but rather to prepare yourself to be a great housewife and mother by pursuing excellence in domestic skills.”

It has been insinuated that going to college is not for my own educational benefit but so I can find an educated man (preferably an engineer) who will be able to provide for me.  Then I won’t have to work and use the skills I worked so hard to achieve in college because then my primary role and function is to keep my husband happy and to make babies.  My purpose is to fulfill the expression “Barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen.”

I’ve been taught men don’t like or marry women with too much ambition unless it goes along with the above said expression.

If I was to be honest, I suppose I’m ashamed of where I don’t match up to the “ideal marriage-material woman.”  I hate that I can’t cook and I’m even more ashamed of the fact that I’d probably throw-up or faint if I had to cook meat.  My mom tells me all the time that I’ll have to marry a rich husband so I can have a cook because otherwise no man will want to marry me.  And I wonder why I’m ashamed of these things.

I’m afraid to desire working in a foreign country or getting a higher education because I DO want to get married.  I just want to do both.  So my options are not to follow my Personal Legend and get married and be restlessly discontent for the rest of my life or do those things and not get to share them with someone because I chose a path that significantly decreased my potentials.

I suppose it’s a trust issue with God that gives me those fears.  If desires are from od and I’m supposed to follow and trust in them, then I should trust God to provide a man for me.  Sometimes it’s just easier to say “I’ve got this, God” and go out and search for a man myself instead of waiting for the right time to arise.

I don’t want to compromise my future happiness by settling because I’m afraid another man won’t come along.

I am ashamed of being wanted.  It baffles me when someone does want me because I see myself and how I don’t match up to the desirable ideal of who a woman should be.  I don’t understand when someone does want me despite my shortcomings.

The pleasant surprise and shock of actually being wanted warms me up to the wrong kind of people.  When I was dating Steven I was so shocked he actually liked me when he could’ve had the pick of the school that his super flawed character and bad lifestyle choices were not an issue.

Now after being with Steven I am ashamed of being wanted by the right kind of guys because I feel unworthy.  I screwed up and let things go too far.  I feel a deep sense of shame about it and fully expect good men to run at the sight of me.

I have a bad habit of pursuing men instead of letting them pursue me.  I know the pursuit and winning of a Beauty is central to a man’s heart and I discourage that desire by taking matters into my own hands and pursuing them.  It’s definitely been harmful to me as a woman because it forces me to only trust myself and it reinforces my need to be in control.  I get spooked when a guy starts pursuing me.  I feel like it is safer to take over a man’s role and not wait.  But then the men I do win over I get sick of because they aren’t acting in the role of the man.

The hope in all of this is now I am learning what an honor it is to be a woman.  We are the crown of creation.  My desire to be a part of a grand adventure is not something to deaden.   It is something to celebrate because it is central to what is the heart of a woman.  As I am learning the freedom in what it is to be a woman, I am giving men the freedom to be men.  And that is a beautiful thing.