Beloved

In high school I took a “true color” personality test to discover whether I was an orange, blue, green, or gold person.  As if personalities were that simple.  The test format was as such: you ranked groups of adjectives in order of what you most identified with to what you least identified with.  At the end you were given a score and a color that corresponded with it.

The colors represented the four main personality types the quiz-makers believed you’d fit into.  Orange represented a spontaneous, flirtatious, adventurous personality.  Blue was the romantic, bleeding-heart, compassionate personality.  Green: sarcastic, analytical, “always right”. Gold: parental, authoritative, and conservative.

My results looked like this the first time I took it: Orange, Blue, Green, Gold.

And the second time: Blue, Orange, Green, Gold.

Which left me extremely confused as to what my personality really was, since orange and blue are on opposite ends of the spectrum.  And not knowing “Who am I?”  is never a good feeling for a high schooler.

I carried this identity confusion with me to college which definitely caused some problems (which you’ll most likely read about in other blog posts).  I still feel confused as to who I am and my role in this world, but I feel like I have a message of hope and honesty to offer the world.  So, since I know I’m not the only one that feels this way, I’ve decided to type up one of my journals that speaks to this conflict.  Because at times it is simply comforting to know “I am not alone in this.”

10-26-09

There is an internal conflict within me.  My personality is impossible to define.  There are days when adventure and a lust for life course through my veins.  I long to do boyish things; climb buildings, run, act arrogant as if I had no cares, break men’s hearts.  I get a thrill from excitingly spontaneous activities.  I flirt, laugh, play, tease.  I am fearless and to hell what other people think.  I am alive.

But this is not all there is to me.  At other times I am romantic.  I care for others and when they are hurting I share their burden.  I want others to see the good in themselves, their potential.  I am a comforter, an encourager.

I want to be pure and virtuous.  I strive to be a Good Christian Lady.  I want to be more loving and soft.  But it always seems as if my rough-and-tumble ways screw it up.  I am a square peg trying to fit into the circular Proverbs-31-woman hole.

Which of these opposites is me?  Who does God want me to be?  Does He want me to deaden my heart and personality to traits that are “undesirable” in a passive woman?  I cannot pretend to be innocent when I have desires that overtake my own judgment at times.  Nor can I be completely free of cares when I do indeed care a great deal.

This identity crisis reminds me of Anne Shirley of Green Gables.  She was a romantic but she was also a hopelessly headstrong girl.  She wanted to be refined and ladylike just like the pastor’s wife but she was always getting herself into scrapes.

I wish I knew a real woman who demonstrated both the strength and the sensitivity that I feel within me.